blog moved

same address (http://jeanie-in-japan.blogspot.com)
different google account.

if you were following me in the past, you might not get updates from blogger. but since my misadventures in japan are over, i don't think i'll be blogging on this one anymore.

happy disorientation?

my parents at the restaurant; alice at a track meet.
being home alone = lots of time to clean and sort things out.

for the first time in three years, i'll be living at home for more than a couple weeks at a time. well alice took over my room when i left for midd, leaving me without my own space.... so i decided to convert her previous room into something i can comfortably live in the next four months. this is proving to be a huge task, unfortunately. more about unpacking/cleaning later.

"home" feels so familiar, yet foreign at the same time. not much has changed. woodsville seems the same as always. but then, why do i feel like i don't belong? like something's missing? or that something isn't quite right?

......since i was feeling happier than i had been for a while, i figured i'd be able to sit down and write an entry. but i guess my thoughts are more "all over the place" than i realized =(

reverse culture shock

yeah.
for sure feeling its effects.

*SCREAMS*
='(

home

i miss japan a lot, but it's good to be home.

i had forgotten how much nyc remains a part of me.
and how seeing the nh/vt mountains makes me feel at peace.

no reverse culture shock yet.
i think.

things that are different/things i had "forgotten" about:

• no timetable for the subway
• having no idea where to line up on the platform
• being able to read everything
• cat calls/getting hit on
• telemarketers

things that made me happy/excited to see in my house:

• MY DOG!
• jar of fluff
• wonder bread
• english muffins
• special k w/strawberries <--so "American" to me
• light ranch dressing
• stairmaster
• my dumbbells
• things for the dorm

this is all i can write for now.

one part of me wants to write about hanging out at the airport with our japanese friends until the very last second. and why/how the ten-hour flight from japan to san francisco felt like no time at all. and the significance of the last several days in nyc. and the bus layover at boston. and being picked up at white river junction and going to taco bell with cameron and courtney. and watching game 5 of the nuggets-mavericks series with my family before passing out.

but the other part of me doesn't even want to think about everything that's happened in the past two and a half weeks.... let alone the past eight months.

i'll write when i'm ready. until then, thanks for reading and keeping up with me. i'm sure i'll see most of you at some point in the next couple months =)

-jeanie

not goodbye

i walked through teramachi & shinkyogoku for the last time yesterday.
rode the hankyu home for the last time.
said "ただいま" for the last time.
ate the last dinner with my host family.
took my last shower and bath.
slept in my bed for the last time.

i thoroughly cleaned, vacuumed, and wiped things down for two hours.
the whole time, it didn't feel real.
it was just something that i was doing.

i made a new playlist for my iPod ~ "airplane! home!"
charged some batteries for my little old sandisk,
and mindlessly sync'd music to that as well.

my luggage is sitting downstairs now.
mama & papa came up and got them not too long ago.
and now i sit at my desk blogging....
because i don't know what else i can do.

i've been fighting back tears all day.
i have 30 minutes before i leave my house.
and i have no way of expressing my emotions right now.
this leaving thing, this having to say "goodbye" soon,
it really sucks ='(

but i know life goes on.
and that i'll be back to visit.
and that it won't be sayonara,
but rather, またね。

falling into place

5 days, 4 nights in the lucky well.
fukui ~ ふくい ~ 福井

i wish i could express what fukui has come to mean for me.
not an easy feat. and no energy to try tonight.

a lot of happened in the past ten days.
A LOT.

leaving the rest for individual conversation,
i'll just briefly follow-up on the last few posts.

MOQA Co-President ~ elected!
Middlebury Open Queer Alliance

Senior Admissions Fellow ~ got the job!
interview prospective students, hold information sessions & open house events...

i found out about both on my cell phone while in fukui.
then add cheerleading captain---it's going to be a busy year ahead.

excited. nervous. anxious. numb.
everything seems to be coming together.

tomorrow is my "final" day in japan.
sunday will only consist of traveling and goodbyes.

especially after last week & the subsequent events that followed,
i'm left feeling empty and still unable to take everything in.

i'll write a real entry soon.
maybe tomorrow night.

lots of conflicting emotions stir amongst the confusion.
but i know faith will heal my spirit in time...

the afters - falling into place
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-kTIgji_xc

leaving the stress behind

i'm running late.
mia's running late too.
so what else is new?

i'm really beyond stressed at this point.
i'll elaborate later, i suppose.

email me at niko.niko.neko@ezweb.ne.jp
i love getting mail on my cell =)

i'm actually going to leave my macbook at home.
i need to be functional without it.
that, and fukui should help me RELAX,
not freak out even more.
i was going to use my macbook to:
- study chemistry
- finish my grant application
- journal every night
- watch a movie on the JR with mia
- keep my iPod charged
- other stuff

but i'm leaving the stress behind.

i hope i'll come back to kyoto feeling refreshed.
after all, i'll only have three days left in japan when i return...

anywhere but here

i did go to katsura river. and sunbathed. in my bikini.
amongst little kids playing a game of baseball.
and grown women on a picnic.
men were fishing along the river banks.
the sun shone brightly,
illuminating the swarms of insects in the grass.
face turned upward toward the clear blue sky,
iPod in hand, i lost myself in music.

i left the house in attempt to escape.
and even in the sunshine,
i found myself continuing to run.
it was escape from nearly seven years of memories.
by repetitively pushing the ⦊⦊ button on my iPod,
i avoided all the happy, sad, and painful times of the past.

i skipped over too many of my favorite songs.
but 仕方ない. the associations are too strong,
and i wasn't ready to confront the memories.
interestingly, the only ones i didn't avoid were those from 2001.
that summer, my family moved to new hampshire.
and i turned thirteen.

what happened after the river is still a blur.
and yet i remember everything clearly.
it's like there's a misty fog,
shrouding the events of yesterday in my mind.
despite having control over all my actions,
i may not yet understand the whys.

and the easiest thing to do is run.
away from the past.
away from the future.
away from now.....
and that leaves me nowhere.
just lost.

stayed out from 4pm - 11am.....
friends ~ some came and went, others the whole night
places wandered around shijo/sanjo + karasuma/kawaramachi
drinks consumed chronologically

ben
becca + eric
bricker
greg
danielle

starbucks
lawson, other konbini
teramachi + shinkyogoku
kamogawa (river)
the hub ~ an english pub
no name bar
place to remain undisclosed
mashi's apartment
mcdonald's

dark mocha frappacino
two bottles of corona with lime
stolen sips of heineken
tastes of red bull + vodka
grapefruit tonic "house special"
super H2O
awful instant coffee

refreshing

wherever it was that we went (somewhere near arashiyama),
i'm glad we did.
it couldn't have come at a better time.
lots of laughs, lots of fun.
i'll post some pictures later.
....and write about the actual trip itself.

i just got back from spending the night at mashi's.
my head hurts.
hangover? exhaustion? stress?
hopefully just a combination of the latter two.

i think i'll go shower now.
and then maybe wander around katsura river.
go against japanese societal rules & sunbathe in my bikini.
maybe birdwatch, journal some more, and read?

i don't know....

one day at a time

i left the house without a clear idea of where i wanted to go.
i ended up at the kamogawa (river).
sitting by the banks, i journaled for a long time.
unfortunately, i only had enough in me to write about heart matters.
i was too exhausted to begin thinking about everything else at that point.

i called alex after and invited her to hike through the senbon torii with me.
we met up at kyoto eki and arrived at fushimi inari after just two JR stops.
it was a great day for walking and hiking ^_^
the temperature had cooled down by later afternoon.

i didn't know alex too well at all,
and i figured a long walk/hike would be a good way to become better friends. we have a lot more in common than i realized,
and i guess there will be lots of opportunities next year to chill =]

i just realized that i hadn't taken any pictures at all.
oh well, the memory lives on in my mind XD
google image search "fushimi inari".
no combination of pictures will do its beauty justice,
but it's the next best thing =P

i called my host mom from the train platform,
asking if i could have dinner at home & then go to the river afterwards.
she said it was fine, just don't stay out too late.
then i got home.
and it was the most awkward dinner ever.
i don't want to go into the details.

long story short, i'm still sitting at home.
and won't be leaving the house tonight.
i wasn't forbidden from going,
but i might as well been =(

alice just left for school.
friends in america are still sleeping.
friends in japan are at the river.
wonderful.

going to bed at 10pm.

someone set me free from this country.......

thank you

to my friends,

thank you so much for your kind words.
they couldn't have come at a better time.
i am blessed to have you in my life.
whether it's hours away in japan,
or from across an ocean,
you have shown me love and support,
and I am so so thankful.
<3

i'm doing a lot better this morning.
still, i have things weighing heavily on my mind.
i think i'm going to wander through the senbon torii at fushimi inari shrine---
maybe clear my anxious thoughts and reflect on the past eight months.
http://www.sacred-destinations.com/japan/kyoto-fushimi-inari.htm

a little unwell

the past two days haven't been easy.

yesterday, i watched one of my best friends suffer a severe allergy attack while we were at the katsura imperial villa. i called my host mom about the nearest hospital in katsura, but luckily, her host father was able to pick her up and get her to a hospital in shijo [where she lives]. i'm glad to say that she's doing much better now. [how was the imperial villa otherwise? beautiful, historial....but nothing that made any lasting impression.]

meanwhile, mia and i went to teramachi to pass some time before birdwatching later that afternoon. she was able to pick up some presents for her cousins in osaka, where she'll be spending five days with her extended family before going to fukui with me on sunday. no surprise, we ended up at starbucks and talked about the most ridiculous things =]

we were right on time heading out to kitayama....until we took the wrong subway. we [consciously? unconsiously?] stood on the wrong side of the platform and didn't notice our mistake until a couple stops later. so we backtracked and got ourselves late. [but really....that's not uncommon.] we saw our professor and friends on the other side of the gate/railing. because we were late, i decided to take a "shortcut" and crawled onto the other side without first going through the turnstile---i had completely forgotten about that and didn't realize what i had done [even though everyone was like, WHAT are you doing?!?! are you trying to get yourself arrested??] i can be so clueless sometimes XD

anyway, we saw some new birds---the spot-billed duck, barn swallow, and the long-tailed tit. we also saw a lot of little ducklings ~ they were sooo adorable! long story short, we hiked up into the second-growth deciduous forest by the marsh after the pond---a really good outing overall.

there was swings at the playground nearby, and i just had to go swing for a little bit. so mia, nestor, and greg hung around while i did that for a few minutes ^_^ then we stopped at a konbini, and i almost bought alcohol [new fruit cocktail] but didn't. that was probably a good idea....

my friends and i parted ways at shijo. i made my way to the hankyu karasuma platform and instantly felt my stress level and blood pressure spike upwards. i was suddenly surrounded by Japanese people shoving and pushing again. i felt such an intense mixture of anger, frustration, pity, and sadness. i fought back tears on the walk back home. i didn't want my host mom to see. i couldn't wait to go home, where i wouldn't feel like a second-class citizen. i know i'll elaborate more about the way i perceive daily life for japanese people in a later post, so i'll stop here for now.

when i got home, i was excited to see matt online. he had stayed up for me because conversation had been scarce the past several days. unfortunately, we both had our separate stresses, and the night didn't end the way we had imagined. i'll skip ahead to today. we talked. but only briefly. he wanted to take things back a few steps for now, which left me completely confused. and hurt. we both knew where we stood. that we were both too busy and had too much going on (and will have too much going on) to pursue a serious relationship at any point in the near future. we haven't seen each other since august of 2008; we don't consider ourselves to be "dating"....how many more steps back could we go? whatever the case, i respect his feelings. i'm not angry with him. D and M on the other hand....well, they're not quite as "understanding", understandably. i trusted him not to hurt me. and they did too. anyway, i'll leave the details for one-on-one conversations.

i was already feeling really stressed about various things to begin with. unfortunately, hearing that from matt finally pushed me past my breaking point. i'm sure my host parents heard me from the front yard unforunately. [i am so thankful to have mia and danielle in my life.] i calmed down after i talked to them on the phone, but i felt so alone at that point. danielle had host family obligations tonight, and mia is in osaka. alice was still asleep. and my other closest friends were out of reach and halfway around the world somewhere.

there are so many things that i have yet to take in. cheerleading captain ~ it's my senior year, and i don't want to let myself or the squad down. i'm worried i won't live up to expectations. senior admissions fellow ~ i have yet to hear back. i'll know soon, but the waiting doesn't help my anxiety any. MOQA elections ~ i didn't realize i was nominated for both treasurer and co-president. i had to choose one. i chose co-president. i haven't heard back from chelsea....so have elections even happened yet?? the decision to finish my pre-med requirements (w/o the orgo) ~ right thing to do? i'm not sure yet, but my senior year is now completely full both academically and "extracurricular-ly".

whatever happens, everything will be okay in the end. not getting the admission fellows job will mean more time for hw and studying. not getting elected co-president will mean less responsibility in ensuring success of coming out week in october and the month-long gaypril events. finishing pre-med requirements as best i can during undergrad will mean that i'm keeping open the option to pursue med school later on should i decide to. finally, i probably wouldn't be happy anyway, if i weren't buried up to my neck in things to do =P

the good parts about today:
one, i got to ride on the back of danielle's bicycle from campus to shijo.
so many stories from that alone XD
two, online shopping for alice's prom dress over skype.
can't wait until she gets home from school today =]
three, i was reminded of how lucky i am to have such awesome friends.
i LOVE you guys!
four, i made time to lose myself in a couple episodes of the L word.
so good to escape from reality for a while.

it won't be without bumps in the road, but i'll make it through these last days in japan just fine. and even if i've never felt lonlier, i know His presence is never too far away ~ thanks Danielle, for reminding me. to those of you keeping up with me through my blog ~ thank you =) it means a lot to me.

(please remember me in your prayers. i could definitely use some guidance right about now. )

anxiety & restlessness

it's monday. and there are no classes! =]
finals are completely done & over with.

i've been up since 5am, but there's hardly anyone online right now.
my friends are probably still sleeping (japan) or at dinner (the States).

i ended up going to church yesterday afterall, and i'm glad i did =]
i'll definitely stop by to say hello when i visit kyoto again.

i still have a terrible cough, but no other cold symptoms...
i hope it goes away soon.

it's 8am, and i'm already feeling really anxious for the day to begin.
skyping with alice now. and talking to mia online ~ she just woke up =]

10:30am ~ katsura imperial villa
3:30pm ~ birdwatching at mizorogaike with my ecology prof.

i just want to go home already =(
....and study japanese, chinese, bio, chem & physics.

i miss middlebury and want to go back.
i can't wait to be completely busy with things that matter to me again.

in a nutshell, i'm just really anxious for the future, both near and far.
and i can't even express myself coherently right now (this blog post is proof)

maybe i'll sit down tomorrow & write a "real" post.

in some ways, i haven't changed at all =P

this was the original plan:
3 courses, no labs
- JAPN 475 ~ seminar in japanese studies
- CHNS 301 ~ advanced chinese
- PHIL 206 ~ contemporary moral issues <---easy

then i went crazy & my schedule looks like this now:
4 courses, 2 labs
- JAPN 475 ~ seminar in japanese studies
- CHNS 301 ~ advanced chinese
- PHYS 109 ~ newtonian physics <---not so easy, extra 3 hrs for lab
- BIOL 140 ~ ecology & evolution <---extra 3 hrs of lecture, 3 hrs for lab

.......on top of the following:
- middcheer (captain)
- middialogue
- bookstore job

- moqa (possibly co-president or treasurer)
- senior admissions fellow (i'll hear back this week)

hasn't hit yet

i just opened a verizon wireless account again.
i'm going to be home in exactly two weeks now.
i'm so excited and i CAN'T WAIT,
but it still hasn't hit me yet.
until i close my postal bank account and cancel my health insurance,
it still feels like i'm stuck here for a while.
my luggage is pretty much completely packed (and has been for a week =P)
so here i sit on a sunday afternoon blogging in limbo.

i'm leaving for fukui with mia in a week,
and the sunday after is the FLIGHT HOME! =)
today would be the last time i'd be able to go to church,
but i'm still coughing up a storm, and it's cold and disgusting outside.
not completely sound reasons for missing service,
but i think i'm going to stay in today =(

nostalgic pain

some of you may already know that i happened across a playground with a swing set last week. i don't believe it was coincidental, but more on that later.

i finished my japanese final today. i didn't do my best, but i did what was best for me physically and mentally. i got it done the fastest i could ~ knowing that i did do "my best" under the circumstances.... this cold is not going away as quickly as i thought it would =(

anyway, to relax and relieve some stress, i turned to the swings. it was my favorite when i was little. and until recently, i didn't realize how much comfort just being on a swing would bring me.

i went home with open blisters on my hands.
*ouch*
but it's the good kind of pain.
....the pain i used to know all too well.
=)

where i am currently

physical: japan
academic: akp @ doshisha
mental: exhausted
spiritual: a little lost
romantic: matt

where i want to be
physical: new hampshire
academic: midd
mental: in my happy place
spiritual: closer to God
romantic: matt

this past week
religion: paper done, final taken
ecology: final taken
reading class: final taken (today)
church: attended

upcoming
japanese: final tomorrow, oral interview thursday
job: interview thursday ~ senior admissions fellow
akp: farewell party, shimogamo jinja
moqa: nominated for treasurer... elections next week?
ecology: mizorogaike for birdwatching (optional field trip)
friends: fukui w/mia, katsura garden w/danielle & greg, himeji w/nestor?

possibilities/thoughts for the "future"
adding a fourth class ~ physics (to japanese, chinese & philosophy)
thesis change ~ invisibility of japanese lesbianism --> reproductive rights?

monterey ~ MBA for international business (japanese)?
post-bac for organic chemistry, med school later on?
sessions online school of design ~ master's certificate in web design?

i caught a cold two days ago.... if i can gather enough energy, i will explain this post in another post later tonight =)

thank you!

mia's mom ~

thank you for the chocolate ducks!

^_^

there are a lot of things i don't understand

but i don't need to.
all i know is that i definitely can't pass on this opportunity now.

as i'm burning my tongue with my coffee because i want the caffeine to kick in sooner, my legs and feet are also going numb because i'm sitting in seiza. [mia, i don't understand why i do this to myself either lol]

......that wasn't what i was going to write though.
i just happened to realize that i'm sitting in a tortuous way,
which i will now stop doing.

okay, so what i wanted to write was:
as i'm burning my tongue with my coffee because i want the caffeine to kick in sooner, i checked my email [again!] to find a single, new email. it was about the senior admissions fellows job that i wanted to apply for. the deadline was originally april 9 ~ meaning i only had six more hours to get the application done. (it's the 10th in japan already, but the 13-hr time difference buys me a bit more time... yay!) but with my religion paper still not done, i had lost hope about the possibility of getting a job i really want. anyway, the email was a reminder about this position. i was sure that it would just make me disappointed.... yeah, i know applications are due today =(

i almost deleted it. but i'm glad i didn't. i chose to read it, and...

it turns out the deadline had actually been the 10th! ^_^
[and i'm crazy. my friends can attest to that lol]

i NEED to get the application in.
[and stop blogging so my paper can actually get done :P]

edit:
just wanted to say hi to mia's mom---

hi!! =)
i'll update on the past couple weeks. and try to keep blogging ^_^
nothing's terribly wrong, but i'm sure you've heard similar things from mia ~ it's just that akp/japan can be really exhausting and "de-motivating" at times :(

31 days

i fell asleep and my religion paper is now late. oh well.
i woke up not too long ago. it's 5:30am.
i'm letting my "delicious" instant coffee cool down a little bit.
then i'll caffeinate myself and finish the paper before japanese class.
or maybe not.

busy weekend. a lot past due. a lot soon due.
ughhhh. matt's still not here yet.
there's nothing for me in japan anymore.
at least in regards to akp.

i'm not stressed. [or so i'd like to think]
i still have so much to figure out >_<

looking forward to easter sunday.

monkey park

i'm tired mentally and physically.
and..... (mia can finish this sentence LOL)

anyway, ecology & lit class joint field trip. monkeys.
matcha/sakura softserve. bought yukata.
starbucks. saizeriya.

i'm that exhausted.
sorry >_<

it was an awful and awesome day at the same time.
maybe mia will blog about today.....

so close, yet so far

1 month, 12 days until home

the end of akp cannot come soon enough.
i have no motivation left :(
that ship has sailed, and it's not turning back.

late assignments/hw due soon:
ecology abstract x2 (one late)
ecology field question
religion "festival" paper (late)
religion research paper
japanese essay x2 (both late)
test corrections

i was never like this... what happened??

7 months, 14 days since i last saw matt

(we're not dating. we're kind of "long-distance not dating but not seeing anyone else-ing" as one friend put it)
we've become really close, and i miss him a lot.
he was supposed to arrive in japan for business several months ago,
but the people at immigration (japan) are taking their sweet time with the paperwork. as far as we know, everything's already been processed and cleared. they just need to send some papers to his boss, and he's on his way to japan!
.........but we're still waiting for that to happen :(

5 days until room draw

after stressing over all the possible options for housing next fall (with the numbers my friends and i have to work with), i finally have solid plans. i'll be drawing into a suite with danielle and two of her friends... completely different from what i originally had in mind, but i think it'll turn out well :)
i'm just a little anxious && can't wait for room draw to be over.

25 days (or so) until fall 2009 course registration

tentative classes:
JAPN 475 ~ seminar in japanese studies
CHNS 302 ~ advanced chinese
HIST 236 ~ history of modern japan
PHIL 206 ~ contemporary moral issues

i cannot wait to get back to midd's vigorous pace :)
five-ish months.....

fukui <3

going to fukui with mia for the second half of spring break was one of the best experiences i've ever had in japan =)

i don't have the energy to write the long post those four days warrant, so i'll be even more lazy and just echo mia for now XD
http://miamonnier.blogspot.com/2009/03/fukui.html

i'll get my pictures up soon, but mia's pictures are better anyway =]
http://picasaweb.google.com/mgnm9195/HoyaHoya#

ahhhhh!! >_<

okay, so the title of this blog post isn't quite accurate for what's about to follow, but that's how i'm feeling (as of this moment). i've never felt more "manic-depressive" than in the time i've spent in japan so far. i'm either really happy or desperately wanting to get the hell out. it'd be nice to just be content/okay most of the time... too much to ask maybe? probably.

anyway, i've had A LOT of fun in the past several days with my friends, but i haven't been good about updating this week. i'll get around to blogging after i get back from fukui (NW of kyoto... i think) ~ for reaaals. no joke. i know i say "i'll update later" often, but spring break has been amazing so far && i want to make sure it gets "documented" somewhere outside my (imperfect) memory ^_^

in the meantime, here are some random pictures that will mean nothing....for now :)

adventures with ashley

because i've been up since 5am, and because i don't feel like writing much right now, i'm going to pull one of my in a nutshell's.

in a nutshell:
sunday. met up in saiin. starbucks. hankyu back to katsura. took a walk to katsura bridge. decided to keep walking. saw a lot of kyoto. found ourselves back in saiin over an hour (almost two?) later. took the hankyu back to katsura again. stole wireless internet from my own house from outside the gate at 10pm.

monday. imadegawa. ate lunch leisurely. watched how to lose a guy in 10 days. mos burger. ashley's forgotten purse. different saiin starbucks where i "managed" to get onto a wireless network. stayed there until its midnight closing.

so this post doesn't tell anyone much about anything. but at least it means something to me---so that maybe one day i'll come back to this and elaborate. [let's be honest, probably not. lololol]

parkay, butter!

Amanda sent you a message.

--------------------
Re: Cheer elections

Alright, we voted today at practice....

Congratulations on getting elected Captain for next year! I'm your co-captain, and I'm waiting to see if Ginny is interested in being "Spirit Coordinator" (she was elected, but she wasn't there today so I want to make sure she's okay with it).

YAY~!!!!
thanks amanda :)

i cannot wait for cheerleading again!
for a long time (and even now), it's been one of my 生きがい [something one lives for]
^_^ !!!!!!!

We can't wait to have you back here! Most of the girls had never cheered before, so we're still working on basics. But they're really eager to learn and they're working really hard, so we should be ready for some fun next fall!

Take care, and enjoy the rest of your time in Japan!
<3

eeEEEeEeeEeeEee!!!!!!!

...continued

i talked to the resident director (prof. lofgren - oberlin) about the frustrations and lack of motivation that seem to follow us (akp students) every once in a while. or perhaps it's a little more often than "every once in a while" XD

but anyway, i felt a lot better afterward.
he said a lot of things about why that could be ~ i'll share just one:

"[akp] isn't college."

and i think he's right. for the past two years, we've all adjusted to (and come to love?) college life && for this year, we're living under someone else's roof, someone else's rules. akp's academic atmosphere also does not feel like "college".

so.... how do i feel now?
- i'll finish akp as best i can ~ i've driven my grades down the drain compared to fall term [hopefully, i'm still within B+ range >_<]
- i'm still REALLY excited to go home and see my family <3
[and visit midd before finals are over?]
- counting down the days until america... but probably only until matt gets here XD [then i might not want to go home as quickly lol]

one thing at a time

i haven't even left japan yet, and i'm already thinking about how to come back for an extended period of time.

sound hypocritical?

i'm not very happy with how i'm 生活している("living")... it's not anyone's fault. but i think akp should only be taken in small doses. i've been blessed with many things, and it'd be wrong for me to complain.

long story short, when (not if) i come back, i'll be able to live life on my terms, not someone else's. more later.

we'd all be rich if i had a dollar for every time i've said that in this blog ^_^

edit:

"make the most out of the time i have left"

...as if i'm never coming back. well, i will come back. i don't know when. maybe not immediately after graduation next year, but i will be back. 

in other words, i'm back to counting down the days.

ONE month, 28 days.

running out of time

i overnapped. but i needed sleep, so it works out :)

i got up at 3:30am and have been writing the ecology abstract since then.
unfortunately, i feel like i made little progress...
and i still have so much work left :(

not that i'm "unhappy", but i feel like i can't do what i want to do, need to do in japan. and it's driving me insane. the trip to wakayama couldn't have come at a better time, but now i'm stuck in kyoto again. i would NEVER live in kyoto. nice city to visit every once in a while, i guess. but seriously, when i said i hated japan in the past, what i really meant was kyoto. there's so much about this place that's just superficial ~ "keeping up appearances"

>_<

back to hw. more ranting later.

slow, short strides

it was a good day overall :)
nothing too out of the ordinary.
i skyped with matt (several times actually!) and hung out with friends.
then there was the religion field trip to senbon something or other temple.
(maybe i'll talk about that in another post...)

anyway, i got home in pretty high spirits.
then during dinner, the way my host mom was (repeatedly) telling me to travel over spring break really rubbed me the wrong way. i don't know why. i know she had good intentions, but i felt like there was some slight passive aggressiveness that came along with it.

long story short--- i'm recovering from a cold and intensive exercise would not be a smart idea, but i needed to cancel my gym membership starting the month of april. and i had to take care of that today. so i went to renaissance and had it figured out within ten minutes. there was no miscommunication due to the language barrier :) i understood her japanese, and she understood mine. i also filled out a questionnaire (about the cancellation) in japanese with ease. so that made me feel better.

but not to the point where i was ready to head back home. so i decided to take a walk. i went straight and accidentally found myself where i wanted to be---katsura bridge (knew it existed, but didn't know where it was). i took my time looking over the water and across the river at the city lights. the sad part is, i'm sure many people thought i was about to commit suicide. (i'll blog about that later.) anyway, an hour later and i still didn't want to go home. i could've easily walked for another three hours, but i knew i had to go home v_v

and i hated that feeling. the feeling of NEEDING to "report" to someone after two years of independence and freedom at midd. my strides became slower and shorter as i got closer and closer to my host family's house. i was within 100 meters, and then i decided to take a detour to delay returning to my (spacious) jail cell even later.

no motivation to do hw as of this moment.
taking a nap for a couple hours.
and i'll see where i am then.

my banana got squished

......in other words, it was 満員電車 (full train) today >_<

my banana, which normally would be safe in one's handbag, got so bruised by all the (unwanted!!) body contact *GROWL*

i was calmly waiting in line to get on, and it was actually going rather smoothly at first too. then without warning, i was literally shoved [read: thrown] five feet forward---right into the mass of people already on the train. why must the japanese push and shove their way in? it's something i may never understand. it's like watching civilized people on the platform suddenly turn into primitive animals with the train's arrival.

would you like a side of salaryman grinding up against you this morning?

no, thank you. 

>_<

life.

what a loaded word :)

i'll get around to my adventures in wakayama (akp spring trip) next week.
it's 2:30am, and i'm still awake. i "napped" after dinner until 10:30pm,
so i'm golden in terms of energy and alertness :)

i'm motivated. excited to get some homework done.
so why am i blogging? good question lol ^_^

anyway, i decided to write for a little bit in one of my many journals (this one dating back to 2005). tonight, it was a mini list of short and long-term goals, hopes, and "to do's". and for fun, i flipped back to the beginning and found a similar list. it's amazing how much and how little has changed in four years. (oxymoron much?)

here's a little peek:
#2 pass the JLPT at level one
#6 hike black mt. with my family
#10 have a fun & rewarding (final) cheerleading season senior year

my "things to live by" hasn't changed much~

live life to the fullest.
each morning has potential to become a great day :)

always believe in myself.

don't give in; don't give up.

just do it! make it happen.

keep the goal in sight.

leave my options open.
i might miss a great opportunity otherwise.

what can i say?

^_^

i'm really happy. japanese class is going as well as it's going to be.
electives are still pretty awesome. i LOVE ecology class :)

my friends are the best i could ever ask for.
they make life fun and interesting every day.

skyping with alice & matt is a great way to start my day.
....even if it means i'm only half awake at first :D

i'm not in a "relationship". and nor do i want to be in one right now,
but i've found something i won't let go of too easily <3

two months, one week. so close, and not so far.
i'll be going home soon ~ and that makes me appreciate japan much more.

=)

a little help?

a friend of mine is facing an extremely difficult decision.
i haven't been in her shoes before, but i completely understand nonetheless.
human emotion is universal && i've been through what she's going through.

i trust she'll make the right choice for her---and for not anyone else.
i hope she finds her inner strength to make it without self-doubt or regret.

please send a prayer or some good thoughts her way.
thank you~

not going anywhere

both religion and ecology midterms have been taken.

i hope i did well enough so that i'm not in danger of possibly not making an A in either. even if nothing goes according to "plan", aiming to earn high honors upon graduation gives me a goal to work toward ~ incentive to keep motivation levels up && reason to make the most out of japan.

thesis prep work. very intimidating. good.
the more seemingly impossible, the better.
bring it on.

thanks to a certain someone, i've had my senses knocked back into me.
since when have i run from a challenge??

my refound motivation isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
=)

not too late :)

from thursday, february 26



....i forgot to post ^_^

things i don't want to forget

i love:
- the way the sun shines through the massive windows in my room
- how comfortable my bed is

...to be continued.

downhill

it's the first of march.
there's no question about it now.
my time in japan will quickly come to an end.
3 days of classes, trip to hot spring resorts, week of classes, spring break
....and that will take me close to the end of march :(

there's still so much i want to do, so much to see.

on top of that, i have things that i have to do.
there's a lot of research to be done, and i can only hope that i'll use my time wisely. i've been wavering back and forth about committing to a senior thesis. it won't be easy. but if it's not difficult, it's not worth doing. (in most cases, anyway)

plan for today:
clean my room (while listening to the beatles ^_^)
a couple hours at the gym
skype with alice
study for ecology midterm (tomorrow)
....organize my life? lol

decisions!

so maybe i'm getting a little ahead of myself,
but room draw & fall term registration are coming up!
:)

i'm hoping for a suite with friends in laforce.
that was easy.

but classes are a little trickier........

fall
JAPN 475 - advanced readings in japanese
CHNS 301 - advanced chinese
PHIL 206 - contemporary moral issues
GEOG 211 - the global economy ?

winter
JAPN 700 - thesis ?

spring
JAPN 700 - thesis ?
ECON 150 - intro to macroeconomics ?
PSYC 225 - child development ?
FREN 203 - intensive intermediate french ?

to graduate with high honors in japanese studies:
A on thesis & 3.75 GPA

current GPA within major: 3.83
i can afford a B+ this term in japanese and JAPN 475 next year if i get As in religion and ecology...

study abroadって

it's been a full six months since i've arrived in japan.

i've wanted to write this post for a while now.
but it has always seemed daunting, an impossible task.

"my thoughts on this study abroad experience"
"what i want this year to mean", "what has it for me meant so far", etc

where do i even begin?

the easiest: academics.
i'm disappointed with my relatively flat rate of progress. i wanted to get exponentially better at japanese, but that didn't happen. i suppose a lot of that was under my control. the worst part is, when motivation is at nearly zero, it's incredibly difficult to push yourself forward. i can't say that i've learned nothing from my japanese classes, but (here we go again...) compared to middlebury, the pace is just sooo slow. akp isn't middlebury. i've accepted that in late september, but it doesn't make it any easier.

writing: a lot better
speaking: down from the summer
listening: better
reading: about the same?

fall term electives: japanese language in popular media, japanese animation
there was potential for these classes to be great, but they wound up being just okay.

spring term electives: japanese religion, conservation & ecology of japan
i love both classes. minus a few people.
but they're not enough to ruin the classes :)

harder: personal growth, friendship, love&relationships

i'll tackle those later on
^_^

surprise!!!

in a nutshell:
we went out for (japanese) mexican food in osaka for hayato's birthday last night ~ it was 大成功 (huge success) ^_^

everyone met at the restaurant before nestor brought hayato (blindfolded!) there. he was thoroughly surprised---mission accomplished :)

the food disappeared way too quickly. i ordered the vegetarian burrito combo ~ sooo yummy :)

then we went to a "park" and surprised hayato yet again with a delicious chocolate cake. we took a ton of silly (and a couple serious) pictures, all the while getting stared at by passersby.

random things:
- apparently, putting your contact lens in your mouth until you can find some solution is a good idea? haven't heard of it before. [edit: i googled this. maybe not such a good idea afterall XD]
- there was no soap in the restroom at umeda station.
- el pancho (the mexican restaurant) is on the 8th floor, but the elevator only holds 4 or 5 people. taking the stairs is a bad idea. even though the staircase exists past the 5th floor, you can only go that far.
- there was a japanese guy singing english songs (such as the superman theme and enrique igleisias's hero) while playing his guitar in the restaurant.
- i'm bad at "being a man".
- it's a wonder how japanese girls can make the "poof" on their heads SO BIG. we failed epicly at "being japanese".
- no plates = spooning the cake.
- mashi's HUGE 失敗 (failure) ~ we wanted a big group picture, so mashi was supposed to ask these two japanese girls to take one for us. instead, he thought we wanted a picture with them. so now we have a group pic with two random girls and no mashi because HE took the picture >_<

we have no idea who the two japanese girls are >_<
(center front)

"be japanese girls"

"be a man"

"girly men"

copying elliot because we couldn't come up with a pose

....and this is what it looked like XD

who am i??

things for friday:
- kanji quiz
- listening comprehension hw
- speech (about 5 minutes) in japanese
- akp research grant proposal

thursday night:
- didn't study for quiz
- listening comp. hw done
- 30 seconds of speech written
- no progress on proposal

- didn't go to gym. sports bras were all in wash or still damp :(
- decided to nap at 11:30pm
- woke up at 5:30am the next morning when matt called me on skype

friday morning:
- talked to matt for a couple hours before deciding to finish speech
- didn't prepare slideshow of pictures i wanted to show during presentation
- studied for quiz on hankyu
- practiced speech (from my macbook! >_<) on subway
- late to class by two minutes = no time to print speech
- finished quiz before the last person, so i didn't delay class. *whew*
- but not coming in early = vocab used in speech not written on blackboard = minor delay *fail*

the speech went fine. it could've been a lot better, but i did my best. (and plus, it can ALWAYS be better. there's no use being hard on myself ^_^)

friday afternoon:
- religion class. (to make up the class that got canceled last week)
- back to the akp lounge to work on grant proposal
- skyped with matt XD
- proposal due at 5pm ~ it got turned in at 4:55pm

since last year, i've never been this bad at meeting deadlines >_<
akp's making me soft. can't wait to get back to midd's rigorous pace.
like mia said, i probably wouldn't be happy unless i were buried up to my neck in work XD

egrets!

today was a brilliant day :)
it was POURING all morning [read: miserable weather], but my heart was bursting inside with joy. i'm not sure why, but i was all smiles on the train this morning. it was packed with people too---but i remember thinking about buddhism, and how everything is in a "constant" state of impermanence. the gross humidity, unwanted body contact, etc. ~ all of it will eventually pass. [as will the intense happiness i was feeling---but as long as i live in the moment, that doesn't even matter =)]

despite going into reading class not having done the readings, and then sitting through an hour-long linguistics experiment listening to the same sixteen words over and over ~ i was in such high spirits ^_^

one, i got to talk to a really good friend [who better come to japan asap]
and two, bird watching during ecology class!
^_^

we walked down to demachiyanagi and bird-watched by the kamogawa [river]. i got crazy excited about the great and little egret for whatever reason. they are beautiful birds, and i fell in love with them. both are white with long necks and long black legs, but i love the distinctions between them. besides the obvious difference in size, the great egret has a yellow bill in winter (black bill in summer), and the little egret has a black bill that doesn't change color with the seasons. The other distinction that I went nuts over is that the little egret has yellow feet ~ SO adorable =D
[i can be such a nerd, lol]

i didn't rest much last night, and i'm feeling the effects of sleep-deprivation.
so.....nap time!
=)

NICKEL!

i am holding an actual nickel in my hand.

and it feels AMAZING.

i never thought i'd be this excited to see an american coin ^_^

just sharing :)

alice left this on my facebook wall earlier today && it just made me smile like crazy =D

Hey ho! miss you tooooo. thanks again for the president's day present; it's a great book so far =D & for the birthday gift too, he's keeping me warm at night [a stuffed elephant, for people who are reading this] =] me and mom were talking and we realized you're gonna be home in no time, can'tttttt waitttt!!! we love you! [me, mom, dad, + lei: we gave her a bath today and she's wearing her middlebury sweatshirt =D] ttyl.

i think i can, i think i can

i can sooo get my motivation back if i tried hard enough.

i can't really explain this sudden surge of inspiration, but i'm going to run with it and see where it takes me :)

through rose-tinted glasses

i'm not sure exactly who keeps up with my blog, but i have a feeling that at some point, something i have written may have been offensive or surprising (coming from me).

to me, this blog is like a personal journal that i'm sharing with everyone else. a lot of the time, i write to an "audience". but sometimes, i just need to write what i'm feeling (however negative) and express my frustrations the way i see it. i don't want to sugarcoat my blog or personality. i'm not as innocent as i may seem or might have been known to be. i have faults. afterall, i'm only human.

so please keep that in mind when there are occasional "frustration" words or stories about drunken absurdity, etc.

^_^

ash fork && the beatles bar

ash fork is an amazing american diner about twenty minutes away from campus.

after the mt. hiei trip, my friends and i ate DELICIOUS cheeseburgers. nothing about them was japanese, and it was WONDERFUL. i usually never eat cheeseburgers. i ate a cheeseburger. i hate mustard. i ate it with mustard anyway. i've never had coleslaw. i tried coleslaw. there was just something about the atmosphere of this restaurant that made me want to be as "american" as i could and forget about this crazy country.

there were eleven of us, so we were split up into two tables side by side. at one point, i looked over at the others and started crying. it felt like we were just a big group of friends hanging out in the states. but we weren't. and i wished that we were. yet despite all that, i was so thankful to have had a night like last night.

after ash fork, we went to a beatles bar. the service was sooo slow, and the waitress was rude. furthermore, the music was hardly loud enough. but i had such a great time with my friends that none of it mattered. i had two fruity drinks (peach liqueur + pineapple juice & a peachy fizz), so i was a happy camper ^_^

seriously though, f*ck japan sometimes.

mt. hiei

the trip to mt. hiei turned out a lot better than i had expected.

i avoided the people i didn't like as much as i could. separation into smaller groups did happen, but i made sure i was with my friends. there were several times when i missed out on what my professor was saying, but staying close to her helped a lot with that. the weather also took a turn for the better. it was even snowing a little on the mountain!
:)

i'll put up some pictures soon, but i already know they won't do much justice to the beauty of the landscapes and the antiquity of the temples.

we went up by cable car for part of the way and hiked everywhere else from there on out. i didn't take notes, so i don't know the names of the places and halls we visited. (i'll ask prof. ludvik for the details of the trip.)

there's no way i can easily explain what i saw and felt yesterday. many buddhist practices are simply mind-blowing. i can't even begin to imagine the pain, exhaustion, and trials that some monks put themselves through. (again, more details on this later.)

i realized a couple things from being on mt. hiei. i love the mountains. i like snow. the cold doesn't really bother me. i only had on a tank top layered with a long-sleeved shirt and a light hoodie all day. my point is, i felt freedom on that mountain. i was away from all the stupid girls on shijo dori, away from the suffocation of the host family system, and (somewhat) away from the smothering of akp. it's not necessarily japan that i dislike. if i had money to travel around the country, i'd be much happier. i'll come back to this later.

i'm still exhausted from last night.
=)

five more minutes...

it's 6am on a saturday morning.

if i were at midd, i'd be excited to start the day.
if i were at midd, i'd be getting ready to head to ross for breakfast.
if i were at midd, i'd be starting on the work for the upcoming week.

but no.

i'm trapped in japan with a nine-hour field trip to (not) look forward to.
going to mt. hiei ~ which would be awesome under normal circumstances

BUT
- it's a full class at 20 people (many of whom i do not care for)
- all hiking up the mountain (separation into smaller groups will happen)
- with our professor lecturing (probably won't hear much of anything)
- miserable weather (just peachy...)

maybe yesterday was just an "off" day.

i was so exhausted mentally from trying to enjoy japan that i couldn't even bring myself to go to the gym, my happy place (besides coffee shops) v_v

my test went fine as expected. all minor mistakes according to my teacher. when i went in to get my exam, 10% of the time was going over mistakes, and the rest of the time was spent explaining how i don't study anymore because i lack motivation >_< she said i wasn't the only who felt this way.

no surprise there.

edit:
yeah, it feels like my situation sucks.
but i have to remember it could be worse.

matt:
well a woman was attacked by a chimpanzee
and her face and both of her hands were ripped off
and partially eaten by it
her day sucks

a positive attitude goes a long way, i know that.
it's going to take a lot out of me to see today in a brighter light.
but i'll do it. i'll try my best.

some things

i've been meaning to make this list for quite some time now.

things i like about japan:

• food & drink ~ yatsuhashi (mia, thanks for the reminder!), veggie tempura, tonkatsu, kitsune soba, curry ramen, inarizushi, konbu onigiri, okonomiyaki, gyoza, peach & pineapple cocktails in a can from the konbini, curry pan, matcha softserve, nabe (tofu)
  
• onsen & sento! (hot springs and public bath)
• being able to go to temples & shrines whenever i want
• the amenities at my sports club
• radiating "fans" (awesome heater)
• "ethnic shops" for inexpensive jewelry
  
• knowing exactly when the next train will come
  
• convenience of "phone sex" ~ infrared communication between cell phones
  
• full-length bathroom stall doors

...i'll keep adding to this list, but why is it so difficult to make??
v_v

a sunnier outlook

i owe my (more) positive attitude about the last several months in japan to several people/places/things:

• matt && my friends who are also counting down the days
  
• tokyo and arashiyama
• the gym and my love of cheerleading

my friend matt from summer school has been endlessly supportive and helping me to find my motivation again. i've always been in awe of his study habits ~ i still don't think he understands just how much he inspires me :)

my friends who share in my "misery" (you know who you are ^_^) ~ thanks for all the "tollbooths" since october. it's always refreshing to just laugh about how crazy japan can be sometimes :) reminiscing about midd, language school, and everything else in our twenty years of life thus far..... good times <3

despite being a short three-day stay, tokyo with mia and danielle was a breath of fresh air.
day one: shopping (aka, backpacking) in harajuku until late evening.
day two: waseda area with our friend lauren from japanese language school, dinner in shibuya with mia's friend lenna, and lesbian bar with becca and her friend from wellesley in shinjuku
day three: the national diet library with mia to do research for my senior project/thesis

arashiyama on valentine's day. mia and i got away from the shijo/sanjo area and explored a little bit. destination: a little temple/nunnery called gio-ji [google it] we actually made it without getting lost! :)

i've been going to the sports club for about three hours a day ~ i thought i would probably get worn out from strenuous exercise day after day, but so far so good :) it's been a great way for me to relieve the restlessness i often feel here. i also get to work on stunts and becoming even more flexible for next year's cheerleading season. i can't wait =D

[i'll write more about tokyo and arashiyama when i upload the pictures ^_^]

blahhh

the reading/writing midterm was ridiculously easy. and "studying" wouldn't have helped much. (if at all)

anyway, i had over five hours after the test until the ecology field trip. i could've gotten some "work" done, but i didn't. instead, i hung out with my friends in the akp lounge until most of them headed off for (the earlier) translation class. at that point, a few of my other friends and i decided to study some birds because the ecology professor hinted that there might be a field quiz. (and there was one---on the eurasian tree sparrow and pale thrush.) even after we reviewed various species, there was still a lot of time to kill before 3pm came around.

...and i became incredibly restless >_<

thankfully, the field trip to gosho was relatively fun :)
well, any time i spend with mia, nestor, and david (abramovitz) is awesome <3

went home. dinner. gym. shower. (and no hw, haha)
pretty typical day.

j'adore le français

again, in a nutshell:
[perhaps i'll elaborate later... but maybe not lol]

the oral "exam" went fine. i could've done a lot better (as compared to language school), but i'm satisfied with how i did. ben (wesleyan) and becca (wellesley) are two of my favorite people in the program ~ our oral interviews were one right after the other, so we went out for coffee in shijo afterward.

then i met up with mia at shijo eki and walked to kyoto eki from there. we went to see the robert doisneau gallery at an art museum on the seventh floor of the station. i miss french sooo much. even before the gallery, i've often thought about picking it up again. so i might. senior year :)

for lunch, subway! it was one of the most delicious lunches i've had in a while. first time in nearly six months. since there was nowhere we could go to just sit and do some studying, we settled for the mister donut food court. and we sat there and didn't do much studying lol.

i walked thirty minutes back to shijo eki, where i get on the hankyu to go home. talked to matt (who should've been asleep!) on skype until dinner. put in three endorphin-filled hours at the sports club, came home, shower/ofuro, and now i'm finally finishing this post that i started hours ago XD

sooo much more to say than just this superficial stuff, but i'll forget entirely later on if i don't get something down now :)

oh yeah, placed request for sun tzu's the art of war at the doshisha library.

and i have my japanese reading/writing class midterm tomorrow at 9am.
haven't studied. i might *think* about it tomorrow after breakfast.
....what's the point? i wouldn't do much better with lots of studying anyway.
it won't be a piece of cake, but i don't imagine it being very difficult at all.
:P

not a promise

i can't promise that i'll update on everything that i said i would [soon].

not that i've been particularly "busy", but the fact that i haven't found time to blog kind of speaks to that effect. it hasn't been easy trying to find all the good things about japan. on the subway ride home yesterday, mia and i worked on making a list of the things we'll miss when we leave in 83 days. [but who's counting? hahaha]

i have an oral "interview" in an hour for which i have yet to 'prepare'. my speaking skills have gone so far down the drain, and i feel like there's little i can do about it. BUT i'm ready to try a hundred times harder to love the time that i have left here. it doesn't mean that i'm going to try to like what i've disliked up until now. it just means that i'm going to get creative and find.....

RUNNING LATE.
later!

a very happy valentine's day :)

i'm in a weird place mentally right now, so i won't get into the specifics of today yet.

in one sentence:
mia and i ventured to arashiyama to see gio-ji.

[maybe i'll blog after the gym tonight. and maybe update on tokyo too.]

my plan until dinner:
listen to jack johnson and do some journaling.

my life has changed pretty dramatically since high school.
i have much to think about, and much to sort out.
but i'm happy and wouldn't have anything any other way.
.....things are the way they are for a reason :)

the 100th post!

...and it's nothing special XD

the internet is down at my house for maintenance until tomorrow, so i'm on some other wireless network. anyway, i got home and freaked out when i couldn't get online v_v

i am wayyy too dependent on the internet.
not a good thing.

but i killed 3+ hours at the gym tonight :)
yay!
^_^

p.s. tomorrow and valentine's day are going to be absolute insanity.
just wait for it :)

national foundation day

heard of it before? no?
...neither have i.

but because it's a national holiday, the gym was closed today >_<

on another note, my heart is bursting with happiness :)
i love my friends so so so much.
and someone else is also making me smile more often ^_^

meanwhile, it's almost midnight.
and i have an essay to write.
...which was due last friday XD

the assignment ~ my suggestion for japanese people
oh dear.

les étoiles!

they were out tonight!
accompanied by a beautiful full moon ^_^

i arrived in kyoto around 6:30am from a three-day trip to tokyo.
stories later. mia + danielle ♥ !!!

i tried sleeping in for a few hours after a restless night on the bus,
but that failed miserably, so i...

• watched two episodes of the L word in bed <3
• talked to a certain someone ♥ && it turns out i really was just paranoid (mia & danielle ~ i know, i know. i should've listened to you from the start LOL)
• downloaded some movies ~ which i will watch on my ipod at the gym
• spent three hours working out ~ 1 hr 45 min of intense cardio, weight training, flexibility/cheer stuff... it was soooo nice ^_^
• took a hot shower followed by the even hotter ofuro

.....going to bed now. write more later.

p.s. just putting this out there ~ i will never stop thinking that japan is crazy. and i will never stop thinking about how i could be at midd or at home with family. BUT ~ there is no self-pitying or anything of that sort to be had. i'm not wishing my time in japan away (with which i've been blessed). sometimes i just wish that i could experience the next three months on fast forward and finally get to go home ^_^

twinkle twinkle little star

...how i wonder where you are

i haven't been able to see the stars in a very long time...
i look up at the sky every night walking home from katsura eki && i've been disappointed day after day recently.

but that's something minor, right?
i mean, i can't control the overcast skies or anything like that.

well take that, and add it to the exhaustive list of disappointments and frustrations throughout the day. by the time i make it back to my host family's house---

me: i'm a giant ball of negativity
will: i'd say you're a small ball of intense negativity

[dinner time. maybe i'll come back to this post with happy thoughts ^_^]

edit:
my host family is seriously awesome.
i'd be kicking and screaming to get out if it weren't for them <3

3 months, 7 days

.....but who's counting?

>_<

i want out.

if i could leave japan right now, i'd JUMP at the chance.

can't waste any more time

being sick for almost a week and a half has taken its toll >_<

for starters, i haven't been to the gym, so i feel really sluggish. also, doing nothing but sleeping (and knitting mindlessly) has done a number on my motivation to do schoolwork. now that i'm better and can actually concentrate, i'd like to work harder and get caught up on my classes.
(i haven't done much of anything in the past several days.) when i'm ahead of schedule, i'm super-effective. when i'm behind, i'm the worst procrastinator ~ i blog and i shop <--sooo bad for the wallet lol

if i can harness my (aimless) restlessness and refocus that energy, i should be golden by the end of next week :)

SNOW!

seriously running late. update more after class.

this is from yesterday:
(p.s. it was a lot prettier than what the camera could capture)




test went well ~ 90.5%
...even with sleep deprivation and no studying :)

chinese new year :)

my family is nuts, but i love them sooo sooo much :)