a little unwell

the past two days haven't been easy.

yesterday, i watched one of my best friends suffer a severe allergy attack while we were at the katsura imperial villa. i called my host mom about the nearest hospital in katsura, but luckily, her host father was able to pick her up and get her to a hospital in shijo [where she lives]. i'm glad to say that she's doing much better now. [how was the imperial villa otherwise? beautiful, historial....but nothing that made any lasting impression.]

meanwhile, mia and i went to teramachi to pass some time before birdwatching later that afternoon. she was able to pick up some presents for her cousins in osaka, where she'll be spending five days with her extended family before going to fukui with me on sunday. no surprise, we ended up at starbucks and talked about the most ridiculous things =]

we were right on time heading out to kitayama....until we took the wrong subway. we [consciously? unconsiously?] stood on the wrong side of the platform and didn't notice our mistake until a couple stops later. so we backtracked and got ourselves late. [but really....that's not uncommon.] we saw our professor and friends on the other side of the gate/railing. because we were late, i decided to take a "shortcut" and crawled onto the other side without first going through the turnstile---i had completely forgotten about that and didn't realize what i had done [even though everyone was like, WHAT are you doing?!?! are you trying to get yourself arrested??] i can be so clueless sometimes XD

anyway, we saw some new birds---the spot-billed duck, barn swallow, and the long-tailed tit. we also saw a lot of little ducklings ~ they were sooo adorable! long story short, we hiked up into the second-growth deciduous forest by the marsh after the pond---a really good outing overall.

there was swings at the playground nearby, and i just had to go swing for a little bit. so mia, nestor, and greg hung around while i did that for a few minutes ^_^ then we stopped at a konbini, and i almost bought alcohol [new fruit cocktail] but didn't. that was probably a good idea....

my friends and i parted ways at shijo. i made my way to the hankyu karasuma platform and instantly felt my stress level and blood pressure spike upwards. i was suddenly surrounded by Japanese people shoving and pushing again. i felt such an intense mixture of anger, frustration, pity, and sadness. i fought back tears on the walk back home. i didn't want my host mom to see. i couldn't wait to go home, where i wouldn't feel like a second-class citizen. i know i'll elaborate more about the way i perceive daily life for japanese people in a later post, so i'll stop here for now.

when i got home, i was excited to see matt online. he had stayed up for me because conversation had been scarce the past several days. unfortunately, we both had our separate stresses, and the night didn't end the way we had imagined. i'll skip ahead to today. we talked. but only briefly. he wanted to take things back a few steps for now, which left me completely confused. and hurt. we both knew where we stood. that we were both too busy and had too much going on (and will have too much going on) to pursue a serious relationship at any point in the near future. we haven't seen each other since august of 2008; we don't consider ourselves to be "dating"....how many more steps back could we go? whatever the case, i respect his feelings. i'm not angry with him. D and M on the other hand....well, they're not quite as "understanding", understandably. i trusted him not to hurt me. and they did too. anyway, i'll leave the details for one-on-one conversations.

i was already feeling really stressed about various things to begin with. unfortunately, hearing that from matt finally pushed me past my breaking point. i'm sure my host parents heard me from the front yard unforunately. [i am so thankful to have mia and danielle in my life.] i calmed down after i talked to them on the phone, but i felt so alone at that point. danielle had host family obligations tonight, and mia is in osaka. alice was still asleep. and my other closest friends were out of reach and halfway around the world somewhere.

there are so many things that i have yet to take in. cheerleading captain ~ it's my senior year, and i don't want to let myself or the squad down. i'm worried i won't live up to expectations. senior admissions fellow ~ i have yet to hear back. i'll know soon, but the waiting doesn't help my anxiety any. MOQA elections ~ i didn't realize i was nominated for both treasurer and co-president. i had to choose one. i chose co-president. i haven't heard back from chelsea....so have elections even happened yet?? the decision to finish my pre-med requirements (w/o the orgo) ~ right thing to do? i'm not sure yet, but my senior year is now completely full both academically and "extracurricular-ly".

whatever happens, everything will be okay in the end. not getting the admission fellows job will mean more time for hw and studying. not getting elected co-president will mean less responsibility in ensuring success of coming out week in october and the month-long gaypril events. finishing pre-med requirements as best i can during undergrad will mean that i'm keeping open the option to pursue med school later on should i decide to. finally, i probably wouldn't be happy anyway, if i weren't buried up to my neck in things to do =P

the good parts about today:
one, i got to ride on the back of danielle's bicycle from campus to shijo.
so many stories from that alone XD
two, online shopping for alice's prom dress over skype.
can't wait until she gets home from school today =]
three, i was reminded of how lucky i am to have such awesome friends.
i LOVE you guys!
four, i made time to lose myself in a couple episodes of the L word.
so good to escape from reality for a while.

it won't be without bumps in the road, but i'll make it through these last days in japan just fine. and even if i've never felt lonlier, i know His presence is never too far away ~ thanks Danielle, for reminding me. to those of you keeping up with me through my blog ~ thank you =) it means a lot to me.

(please remember me in your prayers. i could definitely use some guidance right about now. )